How Can I Tell if I’m in an Abusive Dating Relationship?

Intimate partner violence occurs between married or committed couples and it also occurs in dating relationships. In fact, young women are particularly vulnerable to experiencing domestic violence. According to a U.S. Department of Justice report published in January, 2002 entitled Intimate Partner Violence, "Women ages 16 - 24 experienced the highest per capita rates of intimate violence" in the United States. A study publisehd in the Journal of the American Medical Association reveals that "approximately 1 in 5 female studenets reported being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner."

Adult battered women have long spoken about the presence of abuse during the dating period of their relationships and how they mistakenly believed that the abuse would stop once they were married. Men who have admitted to being batterers have indicated that this behavior was present during their teenage relationships.

So how can you tell if your dating relationship is abusive? Take this quiz to find out where your relationship is headed!

1. Your partner comes to visit you at your job and sees you talking to a customer. He/She:
   1. Waits for you to finish your conversation and then comes to say hello.
   2. Doesn't say anything at the time but brings it up later during an argument.
   3. Accuses you of cheating and makes a scene in the middle of the store.
2. Your partner wants to go further sexually than you feel comfortable with. You:
   1. Aren’t sure what to say to your partner and instead you talk to a friend about feeling pressured.
   2. Talk openly with your partner about how you both feel, but make it clear that he/she needs to respect your decision.
   3. Give in to what your partner wants so that he/she won’t break up with you.
3. Lately you’ve been feeling like you need a break from your relationship. Your partner reacts to this by:
   1. Giving you the space that you need, but making sure you know that he/she is available when you are ready.
   2. Repeatedly calling you, e-mailing you and showing up at your house “unexpectedly”.
   3. Asking your friends how you are doing and pressing them for information about you.
4. Your partner gives you a new watch because:
   1. Your partner is trying to send the message that he/she is tired of you being late all of the time.
   2. Your partner was thinking of you and it seemed like something you would like.
   3. Your partner knows your friends don’t like him/her and is trying to buy their approval.
5. You are joking around and having fun with your friends in the cafeteria. Your partner passes by and:
   1. Tells you later that he/she was embarrassed by your behavior.
   2. Gives you a look and motions for you to come over to him/her.
   3. Smiles and waves at you.
6. You have a huge fight with your parents and go to your partner for comfort. He/She:
   1. Reminds you that your parents love you and suggests that you try to talk to them about it once you’ve calmed down.
   2. Says he/she has always known that your parents didn’t love you as much as your other siblings.
   3. Doesn’t know how to talk to you about it, but takes you shopping to make you feel better.

Answer Sheet:

In order to calculate your results, add up the points listed for each answer and then check your total against the key
* If any of your answers result in a 1 point score, be sure to read the last description, as these may be significant signs that you could be experiencing an abusive relationship.
15-18: Your relationship sounds like it’s right on track. Both you and your partner respect each other’s boundaries and communicate openly with one another. However, it’s always important to remember that relationships are constantly evolving and you should take steps to remain honest and to check in with your partner about how you both are feeling.
11-14: While your relationship might not seem abusive to you, it seems as if you and your partner have a serious communication lapse. Honesty is an essential part of any healthy relationship. No one should be afraid or embarrassed to talk to their partner. You might want to take this opportunity to talk to your partner openly about how you have been feeling. If your partner is unreceptive to your attempts, take this as a sign that you may be heading towards dangerous territory.
6-10: Be careful! Your partner seems to have a lot of control over you and your decisions. You might not be experiencing any physical signs of abuse but threats and jealousy are early signs of an abusive relationship. You are worthy of and deserve a partner that respects your space and doesn’t make you feel bad about yourself. Things can get out of control fast, so you may want to find someone you trust to talk to.